Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
