Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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