she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
