whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
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