So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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