stop calling my apartment porn island.
no you cant smoke seaweed
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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