Jerry, you need to find god
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
