I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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