I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
