i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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