I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
