Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
