He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
