I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
