i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
