Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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