Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
He did a backflip because drugs
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