Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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