having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
