I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Randomize