She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
