Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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