I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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