it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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