I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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