The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
