The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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