I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
