When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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