If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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