I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
