also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
