I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize