he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
