I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
