She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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