That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
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