fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
