I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
