Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
