omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
