I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
