I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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