I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
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