i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
