I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
