I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
