u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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