Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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