Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
