I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My cat gives me a boner
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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