My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
