After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Please don't give away my fajitas
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
