I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
