I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
