we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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