i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
