If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
