ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
