i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
