I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Randomize
