its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Randomize
