this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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