she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
