...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize