didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
