we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
