someone get that fucking seahorse.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
