my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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