i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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