Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
